A Tale of Everglow

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David
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A Tale of Everglow

Postby David » Tue Oct 01, 2013 11:12 pm

I would really like some feedback on this:

Everglow

Everglow is a blessed world. Placed with loose barriers between all the elemental planes, the world is suffused with their power, intermingling to create a vibrant material plane capable of supporting intensely magical races that would not fare well on duller worlds. This vibrancy displays itself in all life, small to large, with much of the local flora and fauna exhibiting bright shades that would seem unusual to someone coming from off plane.

Into this fertile bed of magic and life, a human came. Her name has long since been lost to the mists of time, but her mark, eternal. She beheld this world, simmering with potential, and she felt the need to wrap her arms around it, to cradle and nurture it to fullness. Her magic was great, but her means were subtle. Hers was a soft touch that started with the felines, giving rise to the purrsians, sun cats, and the griffons. They were fine creations, but all self absorbed to one extent or another. Though they had capacity for peace, growth, and fulfillment, they considered these secondary to their more selfish desires. The wizardess was not satisfied.

She beheld the world, and allowed it to behold her. She thought and prepared, researched and incanted. When her power was ready, the cloven came to be. These were closer to her ideal. Friendly, sociable, and warm hearted by nature, these were a people she could be proud of. But they were shy, and they were timid. They did not spread far from their home, and would never become the driving force of the world. Though she loved them, she set to creating once more.

At last, her heart now singing in tune with the elements, her very soul glowing with the vibrant magic of the world, her magic struck true. The first pony was willed into being, its flank blazing with destiny. They were close knit, but swift to make allies with other species. They were hardy, but not prone to the same self centered ego of the felines. She was pleased with these, and began writing of them. For each pony, a purpose. For each purpose, a tale. She became the weaver of their destinies, though they knew her not. She wrote of large ponies, small ponies, ponies of the water, the air, of fire and earth. She wrote of ponies that shone like prized jewels and sagacious ponies. She loved all her creations, but it was only the ponies that she wrote so much about.

Those few that know of the existence of this great wizard argue if she remains to the modern day. Some contend that though greatly powerful, she was no god, and age did eventually take her, while others claimed that she had fought her way to godhood, and that their presence was proof enough of it. She is not worshipped by any save a select few that give quiet thanks to her, their fate bringer, who's writing continues to burn in the flanks of her chosen children, guiding them to greater destiny.

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Glyph Reader
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Re: A Tale of Everglow

Postby Glyph Reader » Wed Oct 02, 2013 6:45 am

Well then... I know who ny character is going to be worshiping in the tavern campaigns from now on. :rderp:

As a whole, the tale feels extremely solid, and needs no edits that my eyes can see. Everything you make seems to be rediculosly wonderful for some reason. Anyways, thumbs up from me.

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Re: A Tale of Everglow

Postby IryokuHikari » Wed Oct 02, 2013 3:14 pm

I dig it. It does not require anything glaring that I see... Though my eyes are far weaker than an elf's. My first response is to want more, more detail to weave in and around, more history to let people discover... but I guess that I can write that myself. Secrets are no fun if everyone knows them! ;P

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David
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Re: A Tale of Everglow

Postby David » Wed Oct 02, 2013 3:38 pm

Thankee. At urging of my writing fellows, I did add in a disclaimer noting that this is the pony's point of view. The goats and cats have much more self flattering creation stories for the world.

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Re: A Tale of Everglow

Postby IryokuHikari » Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:14 pm

Ah, there's the world depth I was looking for ;P

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Intendant S
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Re: A Tale of Everglow

Postby Intendant S » Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:32 pm

I rather like it. Add in the "birth of the world" as other races see it and it'll be perfect. I'm particularly interested in hearing about the cloven's point of view, but I'm a bit biased in that regard. :troll:
"Too much spirit can be a dangerous thing. Tends to... infect others."

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Re: A Tale of Everglow

Postby Dragonflame » Thu Oct 03, 2013 9:06 am

The tale seems well woven, friend. :) I can see no obvious flaws. I'm curious though... The wizardess made ponies of all kinds, and we have learned a little of each at least. But who might these fire ponies be? Are these the desert ponies? And another thing sparks my interest... You speak of this Destiny Writer being worshiped by only a few ponies. Could it be that those few who worship her believe the first ponies she made were the other pony goddesses/god? The Sun Queen and the others?
Last edited by Dragonflame on Thu Oct 03, 2013 9:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: A Tale of Everglow

Postby Dragonflame » Thu Oct 03, 2013 9:07 am

Intendant S wrote: ... Add in the "birth of the world" as other races see it and it'll be perfect.


This too please^. :D

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David
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Re: A Tale of Everglow

Postby David » Thu Oct 03, 2013 9:16 am

The desert ponies would be the ponies of fire, yes. The ponies cover all the basic elements, with water, earth, fire, and air ponies to be found, which matches the elemental abundance of their world nicely.

As for doing one for every other race, hmmm, I will consider, but no promises. Perhaps one or two other races, for comparison sake.

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David
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Re: A Tale of Everglow

Postby David » Thu Oct 03, 2013 10:44 am

A Sun Cat Perspective

In the time before time, the great monarch did level his gaze upon the world of Everglow. "This," he said, placing a great burning paw on the land that would become the sun baked desert of our purrsian kin, "Is a world that glows almost as brightly as I. I will have my children here, and they will be magnificent." With this decided, he made it so. From his mighty form sprung those of his essence. Us sun cats, reflecting his splendid golden glow. The purrsians who would bedeck themselves in that which would spread his presence in glittering shafts of light, and the griffons, who though only half the great Sun King's progeny, still took to the world with divine purpose and the confidence born of being part of Him.

A lesser being would have retired after such miracles, but the Sun King was not satisfied. He wanted more, for his children to reflect against. What use is a sun with no world to shine upon, after all? He fashioned the goats, meek and small, who would be fast to lavish praise upon their superior feline neighbors. For a time, this was enough. We shone with his glory, and we turned this brilliance onto the goats, who basked in it and revelled in the shared warmth with us. But it was not enough.

The Sun King watched as his children grew lazy. They were not being challenged, and instead were growing fat. The purrsians were the worst of them, barely taking flight and instead rolling around in their glittering jewels. His children needed something to remind them of their glorious origins. A challenge, perhaps, yes, that would do nicely. He reached into the grassy plains and into the dense forest, under the water and across the mountain tops. He scooped up small bits from across Everglow and seized a passing horse in his great claws. He had not even noticed the creature in his eager grabbing, but when he examined his findings, there it was, looking up into his blinding brilliance with fear in its dull witted eyes.

"You," bespoke the Sun King, "Will serve a purpose for my children. You, who they ignored as timid prey, useless fodder, will become their greatest test." He closed his golden paw and pressed all the varied pieces of Everglow into the horse, then set the confused, but blessed, creature back from whence it came. The horse, now imbued with the Sun King's blessing and the fury of the elements, spread and was fruitful, eventually becoming the many tribes of ponykind.

Though they seem legion and powerful, let us never forget that their purpose is to hone our claws and our determination. At the end of the day, we, children of the Sun King, must shine with all the fury that he casts down on us, and prove ourselves worthy of his legacy.


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